So listen, how many of my fellow parents (cause I’m sure there is a father or two out there who might feel this deep down to the ankles like I do) have managed to harness the urge to yell and swallowed the words before they escape your lips all day, only to fall short at bedtime? Anyone? I know I’m not alone. I hope I’m not alone. Can we just have a moment of silence for all that follows our epic tantrums though? *bows head, le sigh*
But for real though, today I missed it and it wasn’t the first time. I hope it’s the last but I know deep down it may just happen again. Why you ask? Because, foolishness is bound in the heart of a child (that’s what God said, so I know it’s true) and if you’re like me, parenting the younger version of yourself, the potential for your nerves to be tap-danced on like an encore performance by Savion Glover can happen at any moment. I acknowledge and accept this truth and while I am working on myself to lower expectations (the goal is to remove them completely, but baby steps) of how situations should go, I fall short sometimes. It is nights like those that make me thankful for grace. So what happened that set me on the course of a Cruella De’Vil-esque meltdown at bedtime? Pull up a seat.
So, after a LOOOOOONG (rather hectic and HOT) day, the girls were fed, bathed and in bed. I read aloud for almost 30 minutes from a chapter book a we recently started. I did voices, inflections, the WHOLE NINE Bruh. All was well aside from the occasional attempt of the Little Child to roll out of bed. We were smooth sailing. So, I’m reading and again, not a complaint to be heard. As SOON as I turn off the light and start the tucking-in process, my Big Girl says, “Ughhhh, my nose feels funny and I keep trying to blow it but nothing comes out!” Not only was she loud but the wording of her complaint caught me off guard because for 30 minutes she has been laying in her bed…CHILLING! You hear me? She wasn’t reading. Moving. Running back and forth for tissue. No mention of this sudden nasal emergency. So, I gathered myself and moved in close to whisper to her since the Little was quiet in her bed. Y’all, then she started to cry. For those who don’t know me, I can be sensitive but “unwarranted tears” by anyone confound me.At this point, I lean in close to her to speak. Now, in hindsight she probably thought she as about to get snatched but I was merely trying to keep the noise level to a minimum. I start to whisper and she starts to wail. Full. On. Hollering (insert palm over face)
I. LOST. IT…no other way to put it. I turned on the light that illuminates the entire room and start yelling. Now, the Husband who had fallen asleep on the floor next to me as I read was woken up, the Little got out of her bed, the dog was making noise and I was livid. Why? Because I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel that said I can complete a thought or just sit down for a bit and the blatant attempt to block that in the moment with this “scratchy nose” complaint felt like a personal attack. Ever been there? Now, I grabbed nasal spray (which the kid loathes by the way) and administer it as the only means of resolution to her new nasalitis symptoms and walk (okay, storm) out. I felt so bad by the time i made it to my room. I mean, who can rest after being yelled at? Was she faking? Maybe. Was she trying to get my attention? Clearly. Did I model how to respond instead of react? Absolutely not.
I’m not above apologizing to the Kid and after some processing will sit down with her. Let me tell ya though, tonight, I was done. Want to hear the funny part? About an hour later (yea, like a full hour after bedtime), she walks out of her room whining that her tooth fell out. I just so happened to be sitting on the couch because I am sleep training myself (another convo for another day) and out she walks, wide-eyed until she saw me in the darkness. A little preface to this new announcement, the tooth was loose but not ready to depart just yet. So, that tells me, all that time AFTER the original shenanigans, she basically pulled a tooth out and then said, “I don’t know if I will be able to sleep with this pain from my tooth.” HUH?!? Oh, little did she know not only was she going to sleep but her peace and potentially my freedom needed her to do so ASAP-tually. But all I could do was laugh. I laughed at the barely-bloody tooth, the gap in her mouth and the reality that this season of life is but a moment.
So, I will apologize. I will try to do better next time. Most importantly, I will forgive myself, again, for spewing the pent up frustrations of the day out on my kiddo because she was being human and
foolish a child. Grace is given to weak and I can admit that is me, weak. We all want the chance to try again but the important thing is to recognize when we are wrong and being willing to change (see, therapy works, but that’s yet another conversation). Maybe you’ve missed it all day long or perhaps every day this week, been there and done that too. All we can do in the aftermath is stop, assess and ask forgiveness of ourselves and from our babies. Let’s show them how to comeback from mistakes in relationships while we work on ourselves in the process. And now, I gotta go ’cause we don’t do the tooth fairy but we are big on “growing up giftage” and I need check my stash so we can celebrate this latest lost tooth. Until next time!